The adventure of becoming a mother-Postpartum depression or just hormonal tears?

 Hi guys, 

Jess here, and today I am 2 weeks post birth, little man is 2 weeks old and I want to talk a little about my Journey so far. Those of you who have read the last blog will know that my pregnancy ended in a bit of a birth 'experience', followed by 6 days in hospital before we were finally discharged, once we were home I was more at ease and glad to be back with hubby, the nights didn't seem so lonely and I was just glad to be back in my own bed and not living out of a bag.

Tuesday we had a visit from the community midwife, she came to do a check on little one, check in around feeding, cord, jaundice, and check in on me, she checked my stitches and asked about my well being, and after 6 days stuck in hospital and finally being back home my well being was great, I was tired but that was to be expected, things hurt and ached still but I was ready to get back into a routine that I had control over, this was, it turns out going to be my biggest challenge. 

The first 2 nights at home were a bit of a blur, a mix of formula and breast feeding, long nights, little sleep and hubby tasked with making sure I was fed, and watered. we managed our first trip out on the Wednesday after returning home to see the midwife for a weigh in and jaundice check. He had gained a good amount of weight and though his jaundice levels had increased I was told this was normal at this stage, we navigated the sling and took a short walk for supplies before heading home for the on going theme of snuggles, feeds, sleeps changes and more snuggles. 

The next couple of nights hit hard, we had increased the breastfeeding and were getting good feeds, but he just seemed to want to be on me all the time, night time became co sleeping, feeding and one tired mummy, Waking up those couple of mornings feeling like a zombie, unsure of the day or time, one or both boobs hanging out from what felt like a never ending feed and really not ready to face the day. The mornings went  a little better with a coffee to wake me up (though I'm still on decaf), food and snuggles with daddy whilst I go for my morning shower, 15 minutes to change my maternity pad, wash everything, pee without a baby attached to me, brush my hair clean my teeth and put clothes on to at least look human, though the ever growing dark circles gave away the tiredness. 

The days were filled with feeds snuggles and getting out for  daily walk, sometimes just the shop, or round the park, teamed up with an appointment or a short coffee date with family or friends, those early days of getting out helped, they gave me chance to feel like I was getting my shit together, only I wasn't. 

I thought I turned a corner, we managed a good routine with sleep, feed change, feed swaddle and he stayed in his cot for a few hours, mummy could sleep without a child dangling off her and actually cuddle daddy without a small human creating a barricade between them, this was short lived and the next couple of nights were a mix of swaddled sleeping in the cot and some co sleeping. 

The corner I thought i turned lead down what turned out to be a bit of an ally of despair the nights felt longer, more lonely, new parent anxiety kicked in and I worried about if I was enough, I cried, so much, felt empty and guilty, what else could I do, I was worried about his weight even though he was gaining, and worried about his jaundice even though it was coming down, as we sit at two weeks old we still have some weight to gain, though we were a big boy to begin with, and some still to come down on the jaundice but still way below the treatment line, my worries were pointless, though I still felt- inadequate- I took a day to just sit, cuddle, sought advice, and charged hubby with keeping on top of feeding and watering me (like a really complex house plant), then that evening I took time to make notes in my journal and adjust my logs to something more relevant to the current journey I am on, on a daily basis I am now just noting down a few things that brought me joy, my daily affirmations and a short note on my fluid intake, food, rest and time outside, the plan being to try and get outside at least once a day, some for my benefit and some for little mans benefit. 

Another midwife visit, and a visit from the health visitor, a few conversations and some research later and I have a secure plan moving forward, hubby and I are setting a routine for the day, not strict but enough to give me a focus, journaling is a still a priority and the health visitor is doing and interim check in between visits for the benefit of my mental health. 

So where am I now, less teary and a little more focused, grateful for hubby who understands-hes seen me at my worst years ago so understands how too manage me and help me manage myself-I have a precious little boy who is loved by so many and super loved by us ( he is currently latched to me as i type this mostly one handed-spelling check to be done whilst he sleeps, and generally I am looking forward a little more rather than wallowing in my own intrusive thoughts. 

Here are a few things to take away from this: 

-The first few weeks are hard, there is no manual, hormones are all over the place, anxiety is normal and so are tears- but it is important to reach out for help 

-These feelings will pass, and you will look back and realise you made it through, it doesn't matter how you did it, all that matters was you looked after yourself and your little one. 

-Your priority is you and your family, chores can wait, dishes can be done later, who cares if their is chaos, ask yourself are you and baby fed and watered like the complex little house plants we all are? are you resting and healing physically and mentally? are you talking and being honest? If you're doing that, you're doing fine. 

and finally although we all want to be, we can't be super parents all the time, even superheroes needs rest, some days are just surviving, and that's enough. 

My next post will be a little less dark and a little more insightful, but for now I'm going to go back and spell check before publishing. 

Thanks for reading 

Scribble back

Jessie

xxx